Where does the time go?

 I've been thinking of you a lot lately.   And today I realized this year has been 15 years since you left.  15 years - The things we have seen and done over those 15 years.  The times I could tell you were there and cheering me on.  I love you and just want to thank you for helping when you know we needed it.

Love you

Another Birthday Passes

Once again its Novermber 19th and I still miss you so much.  You have been with me in proxy however.  Everytime I use one of your tools I think of you.  Everytime I plant something or trim a tree or see a picture of you or Jayden or just about anything, I think of you. 

I love you son,


Dad

Happy Birthday

Hey Buddy,

I sure do miss you. I'm not sure I will make it through the day. Anyway, here's a big hug for you. Wish I could get you something for your birthday. Oh yeah, Jayden is a great kid and I love him a lot. Jackie is doing a great job raising him. I wish he were closer. Cindi and Rob spend a lot of time with him and we love to see him in the summer. You would be so proud of him. He is growing up so fast.

Anyway, I love you and Happy Birthday.

Love

Dad

Hey Jimmy...

I came across an old friend of yours - she of course was devistated with the news as we all still are..... she said she has pictures and videos to share with us from your days on the ranch ~ I am so excited to see them!
I think about you every day & still can't believe you are gone.
I love you little brother <3

Happy Birthday Jimmy

This day we celebrate your entry into earth life. You were the talk of the maternity ward at 12 pounds 3 ounces. All the expectant mothers that were there were so concerned that their babies would be as big as you at birth.

I sure miss you son. But anyway, Happy Birthday.

Love, Dad

Michael's Thoughts

I have not been able to sleep. I have been up crying the last two nights. I tried to figure out what was wrong with me. Hard time? Miss my son? Miss my brother? And I have realized it was all of the above. I recently was looking at the blogs that were about you. And I got so upset. I see the NEVER FORGET and I wish I could take a chisle and scratch it off. Everyone has forgotten. No one gets it. This family has never really been the closest but whatever wedge was there has now become a full on severed arm. I miss you man. You were the only person I ever confided in. And I knew more about you than anyone in this world ever will. I am so sad and mad about everything. That you won't ever meet my little boy. I play with him and wish you could see him crawl and laugh and smile. I wish we could take our boys camping together like we always said we would. I wish we could sit and watch football and laugh together. You were my only link to this family and now you are gone. My best and only friend in the entire world. My little boy will never know you or meet you or have an uncle. I'll never have my brother to talk about how annoying women are or what kind of car we will get our sons when they turn sixteen. Sometimes I wish I had gone because maybe things would be different or better for everyone. Maybe there never would have been a wedge to severe his arm. But I just look at my little Guy and know he would never have been if that was the case. He may have never been if things hadn't happened the way they did. I feel guilty for that sometimes. My son for my brother. It just wasn't fair the way things work. I barely talk to anyone anymore. And when I say I miss my brother I get the f...ing cliche answer. Talk and he will listen. Well that's crap if you ask me. I talk until I'm blue in the face and hear nothing back. Or feel any relief. I try to do everything I can do to make things better yet nothing changes and the things that do seem to change for the worse. Is there ever going to be any relief in this world? Will my son grow up in an unfair unpredictable world? Will it take another life for everyone to realize that it wasn't never to forget you? That would be impossible. It was to NEVER FORGET us. The ones that are left behind. The parents that lost a son, the siblings that lost a brother, the child that lost a father, the children that lost an uncle. That's what it meant. Please Jimmy let me be wrong. Let it be true that you can hear us talk to you. Please, my only brother and my best friend. Please remind us what it truely means to NEVER FORGET. I love you man.

Remembering again

Another early morning and thinking of you. The weather this fall is so much like it was two years ago. The sun has been beautiful in the afternoon and I have been reminded of the fishing trip with Bro. Bruton to Henry's Lake. The next two months will be full of memories of you and I wanted to let you know that I miss you very much. I hope you are very busy where you are now and that you are doing the things that please you.

Love,

Dad

Super Mario...

Chaz and Santanna had gotten me Super Mario Brothers for Christmas - Colton and Kylie love that game =) I do to and secretly play it each night after the kids are in bed lol - (I guess we never truly grow up)....
I remember when mom and dad first got Super Mario Brothers for our Nintendo ~ Kasey and Chaz were still little ~ you and I would stay up until 2 am just trying to get as far as we could and conquer all the worlds ~ you were pretty good at it - and I was very determined to be =).
It's changed up a bit since then, but I think of you at night when I am sitting by myself playing a game or two before bed - I swear sometimes I can still see and hear you laughing when you defeat the castle.
I love you ~

A very good friend of mine passed away last week - Bobby - I think the two of you would get along great. He is very kind hearted like you and always looks out for others. Actually you are both very close in age; if you get the chance to meet him tell him I said hello and he is dearly missed. He knows a lot about you and was very supportive to me when the loss of you was almost unbearable; and would ask about Jayden and our family regularly.
I love you Jimmy and although deep down I know there was purpose in your leaving us - I still struggle trying to accept the fact that you are gone.
I love you little brother ~

I love you Jimmy ~

Miss you Jimmy....

Jimmy,
I think of you everyday, but it seems the last few weeks I can't seem to concentrate much as my thoughts turn to you more and more often.
I wish you could come and visit me and tell me about all of the things you've seen and done.
I wish I could tell you about all the good things that have been happening with Chaz ~ I know you gave your life to save his ~ I will never be able to repay you for your sacrifice.
You know though don't you? You've been there with him and for him ~ you see his life, his family, his happiness.
I love you and miss you terribly ~ maybe one day you will visit me ~
Until we meet again little brother....
I love you!

Today, my son, I will go to the temple and perform vicariously the preparatory actions that you were unable to do during your mortal life. I will begin the process necessary for you to continue your eternal journey. You will be ordained an Elder in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and will have many promises and blessings sealed upon you. Sacred ordinances will be performed and you will make covenents prescribed by our Savior so that you will "qualify for the purifying and exalting blessing of the atonement". I will act as your proxy just as if you were there for yourself. Many who have passed away have waited for there work to be done for many many years. So to have this done immediately after your year of preparation is a special blessing for you. I know that because of your love for your family and especially Jayden that you will take full advantage of this special privilege.

President Christensen the Rexburg Temple President said this about things that are done in the temple. "The sealing power that binds families together forever is more powerful than we can ever understand. We know that the Lord wants families together forever. He provides in His Holy temple the power to bind on earth so that it is bound in heaven. ..."

I love you my son and I consider it an honor to do this for you.

Dad

Happy Birthday Jimmy!

I think of you everyday, but today especially. I wish you were here to wish a happy day to ~ we love you!

Thoughts of Jimmy:

The following are my daily thoughts for the first month after the unexpected passing of my 31-year-old son James Thomas December 21, 2008. At first my feelings were of agony and guilt about the things we could have done and how I felt I had failed him in so many ways. Next I tried to express my feelings of appreciation for what he was with his caring, loving attitude for people that he crossed paths with. Finally, I ended with feelings of what I feel his current purpose and resolve is for us, his family.

My feelings are thoughts as they came into my head, at times weeping bitterly. Many times I would wake early in the morning, missing him and finding it impossible to lie in bed. The pen and paper seemed to help relieve some of my grief at that time.

I am publishing this in his blog on this day (November 19, 2009). This would have been his 32nd birthday anniversary.




Again suddenly you were back in my life
You were here but a short time.
Your presence then means so much to me now.
You were completing the required tasks and
Making a path for the future.

You loved your son, the sweet little one
And, you missed him so much.
So, to see him you deemed you must go
Even though you were not ready and strong,
But you went.

You were there for us many times, but we let you down
We did not understand your real need,
And, the crushing weight of your pain.
“I must come to you,” I said – “something is wrong.”
But I did not come. I was not there for you.

What happened that Sunday morn when you went to sleep?
I was coming that night to be with you for one more big adventure.
But, I did not come, for you had gone away.

I sit here now thinking of you constantly.
My mind wearies of the thought of the past short time.
Can it be worth it to go on?
Could I join you in your new place?
No! I must stay and wait.

As I look through my papers and see the plans.
We could go hunting and fishing and do the things we loved.
But no – you are gone. There must be more
Can I find peace in those things? Must I try? Who cares?

Yes, I will see you again – time will pass.
Oh, that I hadn’t been so foolish with the time I had.
Oh, selfish motives. I wanted more from you.
But, I was wrong.
I should have come to you.
To see your situation and learn to understand
But I was blind.

I see your pictures, your smiling face,
A time with your son; riding a horse; ice blocking, exploring a cave.
You were alive, even in pain. But, I did not see – I did not understand.
You were so strong, so brave, so special,
What a waste.

Is there something I can learn from this?
Should I quit being so much worried of trivial things?
Can I be more like you – so caring and loving, so friendly?
Can I learn from you now? Do I have it in me? I don’t know.
What I know is you are gone and we will not be doing things together for now.
The things we could have done.

As the agonizing days drag slowly by, Why?
What happened? An accident? Was it simply your destiny to go?
Now? So early? So incomplete?
We wonder and talk and guess. Can we ever find answers?
Somewhere is there truth? Can we, as mortals, ever know?
Must we wait until we join you?

Everywhere I look I think of you. The yard with fish.
Laying on the couch and in bed, pictures everywhere, words in blogs.
Nighttimes of thinking, daytime of crying
Riding in the truck. Looking at your clothes,
Cards in the mail. Calls on the phone.
Feelings of others; Lots of tears.

Special from the start, a free spirit not wanting confinement.
Wanting to roam and live life on your terms.
Many talents just beginning. Greatness in embryo – genius not visible.
Forced to conform, but not easy – learn a skill, support a family
Much agony. Always in pain.

How clearly we see you. The beautiful face, smiling, holding little ones.
The real you. Not hidden from us. Not wanting to be judged by us.
The real you was always there. Wanting to be nearby but hiding yourself.
What a waste to be so late to see. To think again of what might have been.

What could you have done if I knew the real you?
How I could have supported you.
Provided direction and guidance and encouragement.
But, I judged what I perceived, but I was wrong.
I didn’t know the real you. And I am in pain.

I try to draw your face and make you real.
What a strong face. A firm, square jaw – beautiful lips.
A magnificent head on a strong frame.
I remember your soft lips when I kissed you when you were young.
I look at your hands – so full of talent.
Your eyes – what are they seeing?
You listen intently to others speaking.
What are you hearing?

Another day, another card. This from a neighbor.
Once again you were there helping in a time of need.
Could I have seen through your wall and understood?
The real you. Should a father see the real child?
Must learning by failure be so hard? With finality of death.

This morning I awoke thinking of you.
Your gifts, Oh, how you enjoyed gifts.
Your mother’s birthday. Gone for a year, what were your doing? Who knows?
On November 1st you would call. “Happy birthday Mom!”
Something special, if you could. Then you’d anticipate the 19th, Money, what?

A simple box with a special design. A row of snowmen – that would fit.
A piece of tree growth – did you draw the design- you said you did.
It was perfect. Where is it now – I want to hold it.
A small box with a perfect lid – a picture on the top.
A pot to cook a whole chicken. A shredder – always something useful.
Did I want it? Was it right? I’ll take it back.
No more surprises, you are gone.

All I can do is weep and cry. Breathing is hard.
I sit in silence in the early sunny morning.
My eyes, my shirt, are wet with liquids from my eyes.
I can not bring you back. My drawings fail.
You were so special. Why must I lose you now?

Back to the temple – can I get answers there?
Can you be there yet? Are you preparing?
I talk with Him – will you tell me how? Why?
Art Thou telling me? Help me to hear Thee.
Am I too mortal? Am I not worth to hear Thy voice?

But I miss him, my son. I was so blind – can I not find peace
Here in Thy Holy Place?
Others comfort me. “He does not want you to be sad.”, they say.
But, I am. I can barely choke back the tears as I stand at my place.
“He is fine – all will be well” How long will it take?
I don’t know, I miss you. My stomach aches – I can not bring you back.
I want to so badly. All my efforts are useless.

I wear your boots – they fit just right. They help me feel your life again.
What did you do in them? I touch your clothes. What did you do in them?
Your Marine duffle – another time you tried your best. But no, it could not be.
You were hurt again. You would have been great. So proud, so tall.
Another sad time. “I want to come home Dad, they treat me like dirt.”
“Should I stay here?” Again your light was smothered by worldly events.

Now you are free from the pains that trapped you.
Are you bringing light to those around you in your new place?
I think you are. Even in this new place where light abounds from Him.
You are shinning. The mortal world has no affect.
The good part of you is shinning brightly.
You are shinning on us. Your son – those whom you loved here.
And you are waiting for us to be there for you and do your work
And we will

Our temple president knows that you want us not to be sad.
You are shinning. You will shine.
Your beautiful spirit will dazzle in the eternities.
We will see you there in glory.
Your loving side will be there and the darkness will be gone away.
Washed away by Him – our Savior. You will be at His side.

I am amazed at the vision of you when I come to be with you in this new place.
Your special spirit that I now miss is there and I feel your warmth.
The vision is warming me now as I contemplate you there.
The light in you could have been mine here, but I was blind and weak.

What can I do now for the others to help them be ready to know you in the light?
That you reflect from Him – the giver of light?
The real you will shine forth for eternity.
We will see you and your love will be strong and we will feel it.

Oh, I can not wait. But I must. I must do better with my time here with those
That are still here. Write to them? Share my vision with them. Be a good father?
Learn of their spirits? Not judge them. Talk to them. Testify, Love, Encourage.
Be part of their lives. Oh, do I have much to learn to do here. I am truly weak.

Jimmy, my son, I love you so much.
Even now after you are gone I feel your presence again.
You light is beginning to shine through my heart.
You are greater in light than I.

He is with you and you are learning again what you already knew.
You suffered much here and your joy and relief is great there.
You had to go to help us left behind see through our blindness
To help us overcome our weaknesses.

It does not matter how or why you went.
What matters is that you are there where your light and love
Can be known to us.
We must go forth and do what we can for those remaining.

There are good days and bad days. Many of them I wake up in the morning and turn my thoughts to you and how much I miss you. As you know, since I think you were there (as many others mentioned also) Cindi is now married to Rob. I told a few people that I wore your boots as a symbol of you being there for the event. It was wonderful. Cindi and Rob did a great job in getting things ready and all that were there enjoyed the event. They even liked the food!! But since you were there witnessing it all I guess you already know.

Love ya bud!

Dad

I love you Jimmy

As we get closer to the holidays and your birthday I can't help thinking how quickly this year has passed. Although it seems like a lifetime since I was telling you goodbye, I still can't believe it's been almost a year.
I think of you everyday. I look at Chaz and where he is today and I whisper a "Thank you" because I know that you had a hand in helping him find direction. So many things were headed in the wrong direction for him, he was laid off from a great job, he was loosing interest in school and confidence in himself. The day dad called and told me about what had happened to you Chaz and I were together moving his things back home because he couldn't afford to pay rent anymore. We cried together, tried our hardest to understand what had happened and why. Although it is still hard to understand the why I do know that you allowed Chaz the time to really consider his life and where he wanted and needed to be - and here we are not even a year later he is a Security Forces officer just days away from his new life and experiences and tells me everyday how happy he is with the decisions he has made and where he is today. I know without a doubt we would not be where we are today if not for you. Honestly it scares me to think where we might be if things had not changed for him.
I do think of you everyday, I wish things were different and you could be here this Thanksgiving to enjoy the food and family and fun. To see your sweet little boy who is growing up so fast.
I miss you Jimmy and I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Kristi

A fishing trip to Henry's Lake in SE Idaho

Getting ready to hit the lake and catch some big ones

The lake is calm and beautiful on this October 28 day in 2008

Dad I'm cold. Can I sit in the cab?

It was all worth it. Two guys on a fishing trip

Look what I caught dad!!!

Medical Examiner's Opinion

The following is the opinion of the Snohomish County Medical Examiner in regard to my son's passing.

"In consideration of the circumstances surrounding his death, the available medical history, and the internal and external examination of the body, the death of this 31 year old male, case 08SN3894, is fatty matamorphosis of the liver (hepatic steatosis) and acute exudative pneumonia. Methadone prescribed for the treatment of chronic pain is a significant contributory condition. the manner of death is NATURAL."
Signed Carl Wigren, M.D. Asso Medical Examiner

In reviewing the report in regard to pneumonia, his right lung, being full of fluid was over two times heavier than his left lung. The presumed cause of his liver disease was the long term use of pain controlling products containing acetaminophen. My son was a very sick man and we did not know it. He continued to complain of pain in his stomach and tried to control it by all means he could. If we had only known of his condition we might have prevented his untimely death by taking him to get medical help.

Hopefully this will serve as a caution to those who have chronic pain to visit their health provider at regular intervals and have check-ups. Once again the danger of physicians haphazardly perscribing these powerful pain controlling drugs raises its ugly head.

Jimmy's Dad

I miss you Jimmy...

I know we established this Blog to communicate the terrifying truths about prescription drugs, but I really needed to tell Jimmy that I love him so much and think of him everyday - I still can't believe you're gone - I can hear you say my name and sometime close my eyes and feel how tightly you hugged me last time I saw you. I never in my life even had a thought of loosing one of my brothers or sisters - it just isn't suppposed to happen especially so young with so much life ahead of you. I keep a picture of you and Jayden in my living room - to me it is the perfect picture of who you are - a wonderful loving father, son and brother - with a smile that could turn the worst of days around. Gosh when you and dad went fishing - I know it was so cold, but there isn't a picture without that awesome smile. I love you so much my little brother - I hope you can hear me when I speak to you, and feel how much you are loved and missed.
Till we meet again ~ Never Forget!

Write Your Representative

I have added a link to our resources ( http://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml )that will help you to identify your house representative - simply click on the link, enter your information and it will provide contact information. I will continue to collect and post contact information for all levels of government. Please take the time to let them know the impact these and other drugs are having on our world. What is it they say "The squeaky wheel gets the grease" - lets "SQUEAK".