Thoughts of Jimmy:

The following are my daily thoughts for the first month after the unexpected passing of my 31-year-old son James Thomas December 21, 2008. At first my feelings were of agony and guilt about the things we could have done and how I felt I had failed him in so many ways. Next I tried to express my feelings of appreciation for what he was with his caring, loving attitude for people that he crossed paths with. Finally, I ended with feelings of what I feel his current purpose and resolve is for us, his family.

My feelings are thoughts as they came into my head, at times weeping bitterly. Many times I would wake early in the morning, missing him and finding it impossible to lie in bed. The pen and paper seemed to help relieve some of my grief at that time.

I am publishing this in his blog on this day (November 19, 2009). This would have been his 32nd birthday anniversary.




Again suddenly you were back in my life
You were here but a short time.
Your presence then means so much to me now.
You were completing the required tasks and
Making a path for the future.

You loved your son, the sweet little one
And, you missed him so much.
So, to see him you deemed you must go
Even though you were not ready and strong,
But you went.

You were there for us many times, but we let you down
We did not understand your real need,
And, the crushing weight of your pain.
“I must come to you,” I said – “something is wrong.”
But I did not come. I was not there for you.

What happened that Sunday morn when you went to sleep?
I was coming that night to be with you for one more big adventure.
But, I did not come, for you had gone away.

I sit here now thinking of you constantly.
My mind wearies of the thought of the past short time.
Can it be worth it to go on?
Could I join you in your new place?
No! I must stay and wait.

As I look through my papers and see the plans.
We could go hunting and fishing and do the things we loved.
But no – you are gone. There must be more
Can I find peace in those things? Must I try? Who cares?

Yes, I will see you again – time will pass.
Oh, that I hadn’t been so foolish with the time I had.
Oh, selfish motives. I wanted more from you.
But, I was wrong.
I should have come to you.
To see your situation and learn to understand
But I was blind.

I see your pictures, your smiling face,
A time with your son; riding a horse; ice blocking, exploring a cave.
You were alive, even in pain. But, I did not see – I did not understand.
You were so strong, so brave, so special,
What a waste.

Is there something I can learn from this?
Should I quit being so much worried of trivial things?
Can I be more like you – so caring and loving, so friendly?
Can I learn from you now? Do I have it in me? I don’t know.
What I know is you are gone and we will not be doing things together for now.
The things we could have done.

As the agonizing days drag slowly by, Why?
What happened? An accident? Was it simply your destiny to go?
Now? So early? So incomplete?
We wonder and talk and guess. Can we ever find answers?
Somewhere is there truth? Can we, as mortals, ever know?
Must we wait until we join you?

Everywhere I look I think of you. The yard with fish.
Laying on the couch and in bed, pictures everywhere, words in blogs.
Nighttimes of thinking, daytime of crying
Riding in the truck. Looking at your clothes,
Cards in the mail. Calls on the phone.
Feelings of others; Lots of tears.

Special from the start, a free spirit not wanting confinement.
Wanting to roam and live life on your terms.
Many talents just beginning. Greatness in embryo – genius not visible.
Forced to conform, but not easy – learn a skill, support a family
Much agony. Always in pain.

How clearly we see you. The beautiful face, smiling, holding little ones.
The real you. Not hidden from us. Not wanting to be judged by us.
The real you was always there. Wanting to be nearby but hiding yourself.
What a waste to be so late to see. To think again of what might have been.

What could you have done if I knew the real you?
How I could have supported you.
Provided direction and guidance and encouragement.
But, I judged what I perceived, but I was wrong.
I didn’t know the real you. And I am in pain.

I try to draw your face and make you real.
What a strong face. A firm, square jaw – beautiful lips.
A magnificent head on a strong frame.
I remember your soft lips when I kissed you when you were young.
I look at your hands – so full of talent.
Your eyes – what are they seeing?
You listen intently to others speaking.
What are you hearing?

Another day, another card. This from a neighbor.
Once again you were there helping in a time of need.
Could I have seen through your wall and understood?
The real you. Should a father see the real child?
Must learning by failure be so hard? With finality of death.

This morning I awoke thinking of you.
Your gifts, Oh, how you enjoyed gifts.
Your mother’s birthday. Gone for a year, what were your doing? Who knows?
On November 1st you would call. “Happy birthday Mom!”
Something special, if you could. Then you’d anticipate the 19th, Money, what?

A simple box with a special design. A row of snowmen – that would fit.
A piece of tree growth – did you draw the design- you said you did.
It was perfect. Where is it now – I want to hold it.
A small box with a perfect lid – a picture on the top.
A pot to cook a whole chicken. A shredder – always something useful.
Did I want it? Was it right? I’ll take it back.
No more surprises, you are gone.

All I can do is weep and cry. Breathing is hard.
I sit in silence in the early sunny morning.
My eyes, my shirt, are wet with liquids from my eyes.
I can not bring you back. My drawings fail.
You were so special. Why must I lose you now?

Back to the temple – can I get answers there?
Can you be there yet? Are you preparing?
I talk with Him – will you tell me how? Why?
Art Thou telling me? Help me to hear Thee.
Am I too mortal? Am I not worth to hear Thy voice?

But I miss him, my son. I was so blind – can I not find peace
Here in Thy Holy Place?
Others comfort me. “He does not want you to be sad.”, they say.
But, I am. I can barely choke back the tears as I stand at my place.
“He is fine – all will be well” How long will it take?
I don’t know, I miss you. My stomach aches – I can not bring you back.
I want to so badly. All my efforts are useless.

I wear your boots – they fit just right. They help me feel your life again.
What did you do in them? I touch your clothes. What did you do in them?
Your Marine duffle – another time you tried your best. But no, it could not be.
You were hurt again. You would have been great. So proud, so tall.
Another sad time. “I want to come home Dad, they treat me like dirt.”
“Should I stay here?” Again your light was smothered by worldly events.

Now you are free from the pains that trapped you.
Are you bringing light to those around you in your new place?
I think you are. Even in this new place where light abounds from Him.
You are shinning. The mortal world has no affect.
The good part of you is shinning brightly.
You are shinning on us. Your son – those whom you loved here.
And you are waiting for us to be there for you and do your work
And we will

Our temple president knows that you want us not to be sad.
You are shinning. You will shine.
Your beautiful spirit will dazzle in the eternities.
We will see you there in glory.
Your loving side will be there and the darkness will be gone away.
Washed away by Him – our Savior. You will be at His side.

I am amazed at the vision of you when I come to be with you in this new place.
Your special spirit that I now miss is there and I feel your warmth.
The vision is warming me now as I contemplate you there.
The light in you could have been mine here, but I was blind and weak.

What can I do now for the others to help them be ready to know you in the light?
That you reflect from Him – the giver of light?
The real you will shine forth for eternity.
We will see you and your love will be strong and we will feel it.

Oh, I can not wait. But I must. I must do better with my time here with those
That are still here. Write to them? Share my vision with them. Be a good father?
Learn of their spirits? Not judge them. Talk to them. Testify, Love, Encourage.
Be part of their lives. Oh, do I have much to learn to do here. I am truly weak.

Jimmy, my son, I love you so much.
Even now after you are gone I feel your presence again.
You light is beginning to shine through my heart.
You are greater in light than I.

He is with you and you are learning again what you already knew.
You suffered much here and your joy and relief is great there.
You had to go to help us left behind see through our blindness
To help us overcome our weaknesses.

It does not matter how or why you went.
What matters is that you are there where your light and love
Can be known to us.
We must go forth and do what we can for those remaining.